on the move...

ok...i have a new blog. i'm not sure what I want it to become, but i'm looking into blogging as a WAHM option, and maybe selling on etsy (still trying to figure out what...maybe diapers if I CAN GET THEM TO STOP LEAKING!!!! I hate buying crap and would never sell crap) and "abuddingmom" just sounded uninteresting. i never really liked it.

Soooooo, I combined this blog with another family blog and called it pupukababy, which I think sounds much cuter, like it could be a brand name or something. It even has its' own domain so simply go over to www.pupukababy.com if you wanna keep reading about what's going on in our little family. You can subscribe to the rss feed or you can sign up to get email updates.

And while you're there, PLEASE click on the "top baby blogs" link to the right and vote for my blog. I will love you forever if you do. Well, maybe love is a strong word, but I definitely like you all regardless.

Feel free to follow me on twitter @pupukababy. I never really got the point of twitter, but lately i've been getting into it.

See you all at www.pupukababy.com :)

Gambling is NOT Illigeal in Hawaii...

…not when it’s with a 6 week old and trip to the movies.

We knew the risks, so we opted for the dollar theater. Total bet: $2. We could afford to take a hit like that. Potential winnings: An hour and a half in blissful AC watching Tina Fey and Steve Carell in Date Night.So, we took every precaution to ensure that we’d have a succesful movie-going-with-infant experience.

We fed her.

We changed her.

We tried to put her to sleep.

But she didn’t go to sleep.

We figured she’ll sleep eventually.

And if she was hungry, I had pumped a bottle for her.

Hoping we had all our bases covered, we went in, bought our tickets and sat down in the back.

She started whimpering. When she starts whimpering, YOU KNOW she’s warning you that the REAL crying is coming soon.

She wasn’t liking her wrap, especially when I’m sitting down and she’s in it, so I took her into the hallway to try to put her to sleep. I stood there rocking her while people passed me by, some with pitiful smiles that said “Oh you poor thing. I hope you get her to sleep before your movie starts.” Pregnant women walked by smiling at me. I smiled back with a look that said “Yeah. That’s right. Enjoy your movies while you can because you’re gonna be joining me in the hallway in a matter of weeks.”

Well, I had been standing outside for about 15 minutes when the actual movie began to start. In a last ditch effort I thought if I could sit down and latch her on (she didn’t want her bottle) then she would be quiet and nurse herself to sleep. THAT DID NOT WORK AT ALL. I just couldn’t get my clothes out of the way fast enough. She SCREAMED during a really quiet part in the very beginning. I knew this just wasn’t going to work. So we walked out. A sweet lady in front of me turned around and said “I don’t mind. Stay. Stay. I don’t mind.” I thanked her but said we knew the risks and took a gamble. Bottom line: Noweo wasn’t happy, and I can’t enjoy anything if she’s not happy, so there was no point in sticking around.

Can you guess what happened the SECOND we stepped out of the building? Yeah. She falls DEAD ASLEEP.

Tip for movie-goers with babies: Drive around until you absolutely have to go in.

I think our afternoon ended up even better than we planned. We drove around Hilo, took a beach run down the coast, went to the park and talked. The best things in life don’t cost money (unless you’re counting gas). Leave it to Noweo to teach us that lesson by screaming and then going to sleep. Love her.

there's nothing better...

than this:

one morning she looked straight at me and smiled. 

big. 

it felt like she saw into my soul and loved every bit of me. 

i looked at her, smiled back and told her i loved her over and over.

it made her smile bigger.

i spent the rest of the day trying to get her to smile some more.

ode to exercise balls

Yesterday, we rediscovered the benefits of the exercise ball. We first bought it because it's nice to have during pregnancy. There are several exercises you can do to relieve back pain (especially during labor...so I hear. I didn't have time to use it), and help move the baby down the birth canal. I loved hanging out on this thing during the last weeks of pregnancy, but be careful because it can make your butt hurt after a while.

Until yesterday, we had it deflated because we figured we weren't going to use it for a while, but I remembered hearing that it's really calming to bounce  on it while holding your baby. I liked the idea of letting the ball bounce the baby and me not having to exert extra energy to bounce her with my arms. Yes I know there are products that will bounce your baby for you without having to hold the baby, but I enjoy holding her and have the luxury of time to do so, so I don't mind.

ANYWAY, I just want to say, that it pretty much works like a charm. Nōweo was pretty fussy yesterday and this ball knocked her out. 

Soooooo, I'm adding baby-putter-to-sleeper to the rather long list of benefits to the exercise ball. 

P.S. I DO plan to exercise with it...eventually...

conversations with an infant

Me: Good morning Noweo!

Noweo: Waaaaaah

Me: Are you hungry?

Noweo: Waaaahhh....eat eat eat eat eat yum!....waaaaaahhhhh

Me: You wanna go in your wrap? (put her in the wrap)

Noweo: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Ok...i guess not. Are you still hungry?

Noweo: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh eat eat eat eat yum! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Me: ok...yes and no? How's your diaper? (change diaper)

Noweo: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noweo: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNN

ME: ok your tired...(try to rock her to sleep....she falls asleep, I try putting her down)

Noweo: waaah....waaah....waaah....waaah

Me: Ok how about your wrap again...(put her in the wrap)

Noweo: I'm sorry...she didn't actually say anything because SHE'S SLEEPING!!!!

Me: Silent *YES!* Now to return to my cold breakfast....

the only thing predictable about a baby is...

NOTHING IS PREDICTABLE!

Yesterday: Honeybee (which is what I call her...don't ask me how I got that nickname...it just sorta popped out) and I go for her two week doctor's appointment. I have some other errands I want to run, but I'm cautious about keeping her out too long. She's in a good mood after her appointment so I pay the rent, buy some diaper rash cream (which isn't working...boo) and then decide to pay a surprise visit to Keola at work, which he LOVED! All in all, we were gone from the house for almost 4 WHOLE HOURS! She slept almost the entire time. Suffice it to say, yesterday was a great experience for a new mom venturing out of the house.

Today: I JUST WANT TO LOCK MY DOORS, SHUT MY WINDOWS AND NEVER LEAVE HOME AGAIN!

Well...maybe I'm overreacting a little...

This week is the week of appointments. Pediatrician, midwife, wic, foodstamps (yeah...we're poor. donations welcome :) blah blah blah. And to each of these appointments, I must drag my poor honeybee. 

So today was WIC. I get there on time...wait for 15 minutes (go figure). Bee's doing fine. I'm seen by this one lady who updates all our health info, then she sends me back out to the waiting room to wait for the nutritionist. So I'm waiting, chatting with this cute lady with this cute baby, when Bee starts to fuss, and when she fusses, she's either gassy, or about to blow her bottom off. It was the latter. An atomic bomb, that got ALL OVER her wrap and her clothes, but fortunately not on me. I'm sitting there praying that it doesn't leak, but I can smell it, so I rush to the bathroom, and sure enough, it's everywhere. I change her as quickly as I can, and even though she's on her blanket, she HATES the changing table. She starts screaming. There are only a few times where she's screamed like that, and all of them have been in unfamiliar places (like when she left my womb, her first car ride, her first doctor's appt, etc.) I think it's her way of christening new places because she only cries the first time. Anyway, when she screams like that, she usually finds solace in food. So after I got her all cleaned up, she starts crying because she's hungry. This isn't the same scream but I certainly know what it means. I'm not completely comfortable breast feeding in public, but Bee's even less comfortable than I am plus I have my nursing cover, but I wait, hoping that the nutritionist calls me soon and we can get out of there. FINALLY he calls me, but he moves soooooo slow! I keep thinking...can't he see my baby is upset and move this along a little faster? But no. So I decide Bee can't wait any longer and needs to eat. Fussed around with my clothes (*gag*) and got her latched on. Silence. Being able to calm your baby after being so upset is like God patting you on the back. It feels sooooo good! Rather than pull her off after seeing the nutritionist, I just hold her still attached and walk her out of the office. I retreat as quickly as I can to the car, where we hop into the back seat and breathe a sigh of relief. Bee won't let me go until she's good an ready, so we sit and cuddle and I call Keola and blab to him about my morning. We were only gone for about an hour or so, but it felt like AGES. 

Leftover spaghetti, a tall glass of milk and a good nap later, and I feel much better. Nōweo's as happy as can be, curled up asleep on my lap as I type this. What a crazy morning. 

Moral of the story: Take life as it comes. minute. by. minute. and love it. 

*smiles*

so I know that infants can't "smile" yet, but this is pretty darn close!

This happy face is what I live for now.

My life is fulfilled.

My Labor and Delivery Story...the longer, more thorough version

It all started on Tuesday, April 13 2010 when I told Keola that I wanted to get a new set of ipod speakers to take to the hospital with us. I love music and I know that it is an excellent pain coping mechanism for me. Plus my old ipod speakers had died a long time ago (they weren't that great to begin with...). So off to Walmart we go, coming home with brand-spanking new sounds.

On Wednesday morning, I was inspired by this video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS_zkvTMdUM. You need to at least watch some of it before you continue reading this.

Did you watch it? Ok. Good. So I decided since I had this awesome new way to enjoy my music that I would follow suit and maybe I would be as lucky as this girl. So I went about my day dancing around the living room. I was quite proud of how well I could still move being 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

Wednesday came and went, and by evening my morale had dropped. I had lived another day being pregnant. I was sure that Nōweo wasn't coming and that my dancing did not work. At 9:30, I was pouring myself a bowl of Peanut Butter Crunch and complaining to Keola about how much I hate it when people tell you to just go about your day as normal. There is NOTHING normal about waiting to go into labor. NOTHING. You spend your days wondering if every little ache and pain is labor, you try to keep busy to take your mind off of the fact that you're STILL PREGNANT, you're in a constant effort to keep the house clean so that you have a nice place to come home to should you go into labor. LABOR LABOR LABOR. Everything is about labor. I was sick of it and wasn't ashamed of voicing my opinion to my patient husband who looked helplessly at me wishing he could somehow put me out of my misery but knowing there was nothing he could do. So he listened. That was all I needed.

No sooner had I plopped down on the couch, dejected and moody with my crunchy bowl of comfort food, that I felt a "POP" and a trickle of liquid. My eyes grew wide, my mouth shut, and I waited for a few seconds. More fluid. Uncontrollable. Keola stared at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally the words: "I think my water just broke." Walked to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, more fluid, but no gush. I knew it was my waters, and I was immediately grateful that it wasn't a gush and that I was at home and not at the mall or some other embarassingly public place. . I called the hospital, explained what happened, and that I was group B strep + (which meant that if my water broke I had to go in right away for antibiotics as the strep bacteria can be harmful to the baby). The nurse didn't seem to believe me because I said it was a trickle. She thought I peed my pants. I told her this wasn't urine and I was sure that my water had broken. So she gave me the ok to come in.

We quickly loaded our things in the car and were on our way. From the minute we left I felt like this whole event was blessed. The weather was PERFECT. It had been storming off and on for several weeks up and down the Hāmākua coast, and I was worried that we would be caught in a storm, but there was no rain to speak of until we hit Waimea, and even then, it was a light drizzle. A good sign. My contractions had started in Hilo, but were very mild. They grew in strength as we neared our destination, but were still very bearable. I remember thinking to myself, "So this is what a contraction feels like." Yeah...all those Braxton hicks I had been timing...I was so way off.

So I made it to Waimea with a smile on my face, got checked in, got changed and hooked up to the monitor. Nōweo was fine and my contractions were not yet regular. The nurse didn't even bother to check my cervix because she figured I'd be there for at least 12 hours and she didn't want to introduce bacteria to the uterus unecessarily. It is now around 11:30 pm on Wednesday.

She gets me hooked up to the IV and tells me she needs to give me two bags of antibiotics. The first is bigger than the second, and it should take an hour to get through it, but I am free to move around as I please. So we turn up the music and I spend each contraction dancing with Keola, then sitting on the bed between contractions to conserve energy. Can I just say now that he was AMAZING through this whole process? I love him.

Not long after I was hooked up to the IV, my contractions started coming longer, stronger, and closer together. I finish the first back of antibiotics. I feel the urge to push. The nurse checks me, and I'm 6 centimeters dialted. Turns out I really just needed to use the bathroom. After taking care of that, the nurse said she'll hold off on the second bag to see if my labor progresses. Contractions are strong and I'm not sure I can make it. I tell my brain to shut up and let my body take over. I'm still feeling an urge to push - it feels like a lot of pressure on my lower back and rectum. The nurse explains that it's the baby's head, and it's not quite facing the way we want it to. She suggests I get in the shower, put my leg up on a stool and rock back and forth. She says to call when I had a contraction that really made want to bear down. So we do that. Keola shoots warm water on my back. HEAVEN. The great thing about contractions is they have a start and an end and time in between. So while I'm resting between them I'm still in quite a good mood, talking and joking, and whatnot. I think it's about 2:00.

Then IT HITS. I have a unbelievable urge to push. I nearly fall over. I brace myself on the stool, on my knees and tell Keola to GET THE NURSE! I didn't make it through that one very gracefully, mostly because I was so surprised. I wasn't expecting that. It basically jumped from a 5 to a 10 in intensity over one contraction. I was prepared for the others though. And there would be others.

The nurse comes in and quickly helps me to the bed. She checks me. 8, almost 9 centimeters. She needs to monitor the baby some more. I desperately want to push, but she tells me it's not time yet. The hardest thing about labor is NEEDING to push and having to hold back. That's what hurts. I labor on my knees on the bed, rocking back and forth. My belly gets so tight with each contraction that the elastic bands holding the monitors fall off. This is serious now. Between contractions, I take a sip of water, prop myself up with my hands to keep from falling backwards, lean my head on my shoulder and go to sleep for a minute at a time while still on my knees. I wake up when I feel the next contraction coming over my body and rock through it. I yell. Not because it hurts, but because the energy needs to go somewhere, and since I can't push with my body, I push with my voice. It helps.

I'm now dilated to a 9. The nurse lets me try some practice pushes. I get on my back and hold my legs up. Pushing is WONDERFUL. I felt absolutely no pain while I was pushing. Like I said, I just needed to release the energy. The contractions were painful because I was fighting my body's natural urge. I know this isn't a pretty analogy, but it's like needing to vomit, and trying to hold it in. It feels SOOO MUCH BETTER to just let yourself throw up.

By about 3:15, and the nurse says those sweet words: "You're a 10 and ready to push." I was happy, but hit with the gravity of the situation. I'm going to be a mother in a matter of minutes. My baby is coming. NOW.

Well, not exactly. I'm all ready to start pushing when she tells me that she's going to call the midwife now. My eyes grow wide as I ask where she is. "She's staying in town. She'll be here in 10-15 minutes. You'll have to hold off pushing until she gets here." You all know by now how much I LOVE not pushing when everything in my body was telling me to PUSH. I was desperate. I told the nurse I can't wait that long. I looked at the clock (which was right in front of me. Mocking me.) My husband (bless him) quickly stepped in and said "Nevermind the clock. Don't look at it. Just concentrate on the contraction." Those were magic words. Time flew by and the midwife arrived in what seemed like seconds. Keola saved me in that moment.

FINALLY. IT'S TIME TO PUSH. I was soooo happy! It's about 3:30. I spend some time pushing on my back, holding my legs up. Things are progressing nicely, but I decide I want to be on all fours. I feel much more productive that way. I have a distinct memory of everyone stepping back and letting me do what I need to do. They were so patient and calm and constantly encouraging. I fed off their energy and my confidence grew in my ability to birth. I pushed and pushed. I felt the "ring of fire" - the burning sensation you feel when the baby's head begins to emerge. I remember in my natural birth class, our teacher told us that many women shy away from the pain, prolonging the delivery process. Her advice to us was to push through it. So I did. It hurt, but I was progressing. I could feel her head moving down, then sliding back up, moving down, then back up. They told me they could see her hair. I reached down and felt her head. It felt like hairy mush. I know that sounds gross, but it's true. That was all the motivation I needed. I bore down, unwilling to let this back and forth thing with her head continue any longer. 2 more pushes, and I felt a huge release of pressure. "Her head's out! Her head's out! One more push and you're done!" Ecstatic, I gave it one last push and the 3 seconds it took to get her body out felt like an eternity. I could see in my mind her body leaving mine in slow motion, inch by glorious inch. I felt EVERYTHING; her shoulders, arms, legs all sliding out. I remember thinking "Wow she's long!" Keola caught her, then passed her through my legs. Next thing I know, I'm on my back, she's on my chest, and I'm just exclaiming "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" I was in disbelief. Nōweo was finally here, in my arms, releasing a beautiful throaty cry. The nurse toweled her off on my chest and we laid there for at least an hour. I couldn't stop staring at her. 40 minutes later she had calmed down and was nursing contentedly. I had done it.

The minute-by-minute details of my labor are fuzzy, but the feelings are not. I felt total support from everyone around me, but I wasn't stifled. I remember the nurses and the midwife just standing back and letting me work on my own, respecting the process that my body was going through. I remember the midwife leaning on a counter, arms crossed, watching me with full confidence. Between contractions I would hear her encouraging words, and I knew that I was doing ok. She didn't step in until the baby began crowning. I felt like she was there to help guide the baby out, not to tell me what to do. It was quite empowering that a woman who had had so much experience with birth had complete faith in me, someone who had never witnessed a live birth or given birth, to simply do what I needed to do. 

In short I learned some things about myself that day. I learned that I know more than I thought I did, that I am capable of more than I thought I was, that labor hurts but it is sooo worth it to FEEL everything,  That things that don't seem so great at first (being GBS+) can turn out to be a blessing in disguise (going to the hospital early and having a painless drive to Waimea.) I learned that if you spend enough time visualizing and preparing for what you want, you CAN have it. I got EXACTLY what I was hoping for. I didn't miss anything and I'm so glad I had this experience.  

still here...

Wow it's been almost a month since I've posted. I'm due this Friday and I honestly don't think my girl's gonna be here any time between now and then. I feel her squirming around inside me and think to myself that we must BOTH be so uncomfortable, and in my head I ask her why she doesn't just decide to come and spare us any more discomfort. Some days her movements seem to say "GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Other days I get a distinct image in my mind of a happy fish, swimming along without a care in the world. Today in particular is one of those days. My mind is screaming for her to come out, but my body doesn't seem to want to release her just yet, and she's not quite ready for the world (or maybe the world isn't quite ready for her). I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that in a matter of days I will perform an unimaginable feat of endurance and strength. Life is so calm right now.

Almost there!

Well, it's been a while since I've written. I've literally been soooo busy trying to get things ready. The problem with me is that I spend too much time thinking and planning and trying to get things perfect in my head before I actually do anything. Well, now is the time for action. Here's my exhaustive list of things I still want to get done before baby comes:

1) Get her bed - We don't even have her little bed because my grandma offered to buy it but doesn't know how to order it. She keeps telling me that I need to help her order it. I just want to tell her to write us a check for the amount and we'll order it ourselves.

2) Sew diapers - I don't have the amount of diapers that I want yet, so I have to sit my butt down and do my sewing. If I need to, I can always get disposables to hold me over.

3) Get a real diaper bag together - I put together a "diaper bag" thing... I'm not happy with it because it's not functional AT ALL. I can easily see things just getting thrown in there with no rhyme or reason because that's basically what I did to put it together :) Some non-diaper bags can be diaper bags, but this bag can't. Trust me. It'll do for now, but I'm shopping around. I'm really liking Ju Ju Be bags, but they're so expensive. I found some deals on ebay, but I haven't bid because I want the PERFECT bag and I'm afraid to commit to something. I keep stupidly asking myself "Is this bag gonna hold up in EVERY situation? Well I can't answer that question because I can't think of every situation so... I'll never be able to make up my mind. I'm so stinkin' indecisive.

4) Pack hospital bag - This upcoming week my hubs and I will put together our hospital bag...just in time for week 37. Most people are ready by now, but we're slow. I have a list, I just have to put it all together.

5) Get the house ready - Then we have to clean and clean and clean. I'm glad we only have a small little one bedroom, because if it were any bigger I would be feeling pretty overwhelmed. I'm already overwhelmed enough.

6) Install the carseat - luckily this will be done tomorrow - along with vacuuming the car because it's currently not baby-worthy.

My biggest fear is not being ready when Nōweo's ready. I feel such a strong sense of urgency and I wish my husband felt the same. He is soooo even keel and relaxed about the whole thing, almost to a fault. I'm almost frantic and he's so calm. He always tells me not to worry and everything will work out. I know he's right, but I wish that I had more done anyway. I guess it works because we balance each other out. He's all about avoiding stress. I thrive on it. Makes me wonder how our daughter's gonna turn out.

dreams

Last night i had a dream

that my daughter was pushing her hand through my belly

like someone pushes their hand through a sheet

and I held it.

Then she pushed her whole body against my belly

so I could clearly see her outline

and she wrapped her whole body around my hand

so that I was holding her through my belly

gotta admit, that kinda weirded me out, even in my dream...

but she clearly loved me

and wanted me to hold her.

So i did.

Today I had really strong, close BH contractions

starting at around 9:30am and still happening though with less frequency and strength

as I write this at 5:00pm

I also had lower back pain and some increased pelvic pressure

all of these are possible signs of preterm labor

and DEFINITELY warrant a call to the midwife.

Call me crazy, but I saw this as a good opportunity to practice what I'd been learning about labor

and trusting my instincts.

I KNEW 

absolutely KNEW

that Nōweo  wasn't coming today, or anytime soon.

let me make it clear that if I had any doubts about this, I would've gone to the hospital.

I thought that if I freaked out, that it might make things worse.

So I laid down on my left side, 

drank some water,

rubbed my belly,

and had a little chat

with my girl.

I told her that I wanted to hold her so badly

but that now is not the right time.

That outside can be scary and even dangerous even if your prepared for it

and worse if you aren't

YOU are not fully prepared yet.

And even though I'm here to protect you, I won't be able to do that as well

if you come early.

You are safe inside of me.

That is where you belong.

Everything has it's proper place and time

and in a few weeks,

it'll be our time

to meet face to face. 

But for now, we can meet in our dreams.

Well, like I mentioned, my BH didn't stop

but they slowed down

a lot

and I feel so peaceful

I feel like we were able to have a special moment

that I could take the time to communicate with her.

I feel like she said, "ok Mommy. I trust you."

I hope she always does.

I think we're off to a good start.

games

today in the car i started playing a new game with Nōweo.

see, i LOOOOOVE music and if our children couldn't carry a tune or keep a beat, 

...i would be sad...

so today I decided to blast the music as I was running errands

and tap my belly to the beat. 

I'm not sure if she likes it or if she's irritated because she immediately started squirming.

later I was working and playing music on the laptop,

and she was twisting

and turning

and poking things out

i call it dancing

it was LOVELY.

can't wait to dance with her for real 

no one tells you the pain starts before labor

I was telling my husband today that I really feel like my pregnancy has kicked it up a knotch, like it's tipping the scale between kinda pregnant and 

really 

REALLY

 pregnant.

 Still, ok...I'm only at week 32, but this weekend I felt like my pelvis took a beating. 

Basically, it hurts to 

stand,

 walk,

 put on pants,

 basically do anything that requires my legs.

 I've been getting sciatic pain over the last few weeks, but this is by far the worst, most enduring body ache that I've experienced. 

I feel like my pelvic bone is bruised on the inside. 

Not fun.

 I don't think I'll be going anywhere any time soon. Hopefully it's just Nōweo's position and sheʻll move somewhere else and give me some relief. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms. I think theyʻre much better suited to carrying her than my pelvic bone.

Hereʻs what I think Iʻm meant to learn from this:

That pregnancy is a journey that has twists and turns.

We must learn to be flexible,

patient,

and submissive

to whatever

I mean WHATEVER

comes our way.

Hey...wait a minute...

that sounds like parenthood in general.

doesnʻt it? 

Labor P.A.I.N.

I mentioned an interesting pain acronym in my youtube vlogs that we learned about in our birth class the other week. Since I didn't go into details about it there, I'll go ahead and post it here for you to read up on. I'm not sure exactly who to credit for this information, so I'll just summarize it.

Purposeful: Labor pains bring about the birth of a baby. Usually pain indicates that there's a problem. For example, when we break a bone, it hurts because our body is signaling to our brain that something's wrong. In labor, nothing's wrong. The pain is there to direct our body to open up and birth the baby. The pain will direct our movements, whether to eat or drink, use the bathroom, etc. Rather than thinking of a contraction as such, it may be useful to think of it as an expansion. This is exactly what the body needs to do to safely birth a baby.

Anticipated: In my own experience with the usual type of pain (the pain that indicates something is wrong) it hurts more because I'm not expecting it and I'm fearful of the unknown. But if you're pregnant, you know you're going to experience labor pains eventually, so prepare for it! Figure out what soothes and relaxes you. Check out my previous post for ideas.

Intermittent: When I first really understood this, it totally empowered me: You're only in pain HALF the time! People say they had an 18 hour labor, and we tend to think they were in constant pain, but contractions COME AND GO! We know this, but it's still a novel idea. Our doula said she's seen people FALL ASLEEP between contractions! Even if it's just 2 minutes. It gives them the boost they need to cope with the next one. So really, an 18 hour labor may be only 9 hours of actual pain with short periods of rest in between. Eventually of course, labor gets more and more intense, especially during transition, at which point it's really important to let go of the last contraction when it ends, let it go, and allow the next one to come.

Normal: This is what I always tell myself, and if you've watched my vlogs you've heard me say it: women were made to be able to birth a baby. That is such a comforting thought to me, that my body can actually handle this. Of course, not every pregnancy goes completely smoothly with no complications, and thank heavens for the medical technology that saves the lives of moms and babies who unfortunately meet with complications. Pregnancy and birth is a NORMAL, BEAUTIFUL, NECESSARY part of life. What if Eve said after her first baby "screw this I just can't handle it! No more kids for me!" We'd all be in a pickle now wouldn't we? 

Well I don't know how labor really feels, and I'm eager to experience it. I may need medical intervention. I'm open to it, but I'd really like to see what I'm capable of. I've gained such a respect for my body and what it has already done in growing my little girl. I feel like a bystander in awe just watching creation happening to me. I see nature a bit differently now. It's not around me, separate from me, it IS me. 

the GREATEST painkiller

Yesterday my hubby and I attending part 2 of our 2 part natural birth intensive class. Taught by a doula, this (in my opinion) has been the best thing we've done so far to prepare for Nōweo's birth. 

I learned so much about myself and what my needs are going to be during labor. 

For example: I learned that I really REALLY need my husband's touch. 

It is a WONDERFUL pain killer and floods my body with oxytocin.

I can literally FEEL it.

I learned this because we did an exercise where we hold ice for as long as a typical contraction

about a minute, just to gauge our body's response to pain

it's definitely a learning experience.

Certain things may helpful in coping with the pain

music

touch/massage

aromatherapy

a visual focus

someone talking to you

breathing

chanting

this is what I learned REALLY helps me:

music

closed eyes

breathing

and my husband

we did the ice activity while trying different comfort measures

when our teacher finally asked our partners to touch us

whether it was through massage, holding, back rubbing

...whatever...

my husband asked me what i wanted him to do. I said

"Do what comes naturally."

So he just put his hands on my shoulders, buried his head in my neck and 

breathed - slowly and deeply.

I leaned my head on his and synchronized my breath with his

He didn't say anything, but this is he was telling me:

You're not alone

I'm here

This is our daughter

And I am present to help you help her into this world.

There is no place I'd rather be

I love you.

Consumed by love, I was no longer aware of my hand.

or the pain.

and i cried

well...i teared up...

it was too intimate a moment to talk about at the time, 

which i would've had to do if the class had seen.

in short, i feel soooo soooo safe

and Nōweo is going to LOVE her dad

because i do.

firsts

it goes without saying that the most exciting times in our lives often are the firsts.

first day at school

first time riding a bike

first kiss

first job

first house.

our firsts are all centered around number one: me

but in waiting for my daughter to enter my life, firsts no longer become about me, but 

about her. 

the first time i saw that positive pregnancy test and knew 

life would never be the same

because now SHE is in it.

the first time we heard her heart beat

the first time we saw her little 12 week old body

already so human.

the first time i felt her little flutters in my belly.

the first signs of new life.

the first time her father said her name

Nōweo

Pregnancy has brought so many firsts into my life, 

but they are her firsts too. 

and now I live for her.

to watch her have her firsts.

first cry

first smile

first steps.

and i am content to watch her blossom

because as she does, so do i.