dreams

Last night i had a dream

that my daughter was pushing her hand through my belly

like someone pushes their hand through a sheet

and I held it.

Then she pushed her whole body against my belly

so I could clearly see her outline

and she wrapped her whole body around my hand

so that I was holding her through my belly

gotta admit, that kinda weirded me out, even in my dream...

but she clearly loved me

and wanted me to hold her.

So i did.

Today I had really strong, close BH contractions

starting at around 9:30am and still happening though with less frequency and strength

as I write this at 5:00pm

I also had lower back pain and some increased pelvic pressure

all of these are possible signs of preterm labor

and DEFINITELY warrant a call to the midwife.

Call me crazy, but I saw this as a good opportunity to practice what I'd been learning about labor

and trusting my instincts.

I KNEW 

absolutely KNEW

that Nōweo  wasn't coming today, or anytime soon.

let me make it clear that if I had any doubts about this, I would've gone to the hospital.

I thought that if I freaked out, that it might make things worse.

So I laid down on my left side, 

drank some water,

rubbed my belly,

and had a little chat

with my girl.

I told her that I wanted to hold her so badly

but that now is not the right time.

That outside can be scary and even dangerous even if your prepared for it

and worse if you aren't

YOU are not fully prepared yet.

And even though I'm here to protect you, I won't be able to do that as well

if you come early.

You are safe inside of me.

That is where you belong.

Everything has it's proper place and time

and in a few weeks,

it'll be our time

to meet face to face. 

But for now, we can meet in our dreams.

Well, like I mentioned, my BH didn't stop

but they slowed down

a lot

and I feel so peaceful

I feel like we were able to have a special moment

that I could take the time to communicate with her.

I feel like she said, "ok Mommy. I trust you."

I hope she always does.

I think we're off to a good start.

games

today in the car i started playing a new game with Nōweo.

see, i LOOOOOVE music and if our children couldn't carry a tune or keep a beat, 

...i would be sad...

so today I decided to blast the music as I was running errands

and tap my belly to the beat. 

I'm not sure if she likes it or if she's irritated because she immediately started squirming.

later I was working and playing music on the laptop,

and she was twisting

and turning

and poking things out

i call it dancing

it was LOVELY.

can't wait to dance with her for real 

no one tells you the pain starts before labor

I was telling my husband today that I really feel like my pregnancy has kicked it up a knotch, like it's tipping the scale between kinda pregnant and 

really 

REALLY

 pregnant.

 Still, ok...I'm only at week 32, but this weekend I felt like my pelvis took a beating. 

Basically, it hurts to 

stand,

 walk,

 put on pants,

 basically do anything that requires my legs.

 I've been getting sciatic pain over the last few weeks, but this is by far the worst, most enduring body ache that I've experienced. 

I feel like my pelvic bone is bruised on the inside. 

Not fun.

 I don't think I'll be going anywhere any time soon. Hopefully it's just Nōweo's position and sheʻll move somewhere else and give me some relief. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms. I think theyʻre much better suited to carrying her than my pelvic bone.

Hereʻs what I think Iʻm meant to learn from this:

That pregnancy is a journey that has twists and turns.

We must learn to be flexible,

patient,

and submissive

to whatever

I mean WHATEVER

comes our way.

Hey...wait a minute...

that sounds like parenthood in general.

doesnʻt it? 

Labor P.A.I.N.

I mentioned an interesting pain acronym in my youtube vlogs that we learned about in our birth class the other week. Since I didn't go into details about it there, I'll go ahead and post it here for you to read up on. I'm not sure exactly who to credit for this information, so I'll just summarize it.

Purposeful: Labor pains bring about the birth of a baby. Usually pain indicates that there's a problem. For example, when we break a bone, it hurts because our body is signaling to our brain that something's wrong. In labor, nothing's wrong. The pain is there to direct our body to open up and birth the baby. The pain will direct our movements, whether to eat or drink, use the bathroom, etc. Rather than thinking of a contraction as such, it may be useful to think of it as an expansion. This is exactly what the body needs to do to safely birth a baby.

Anticipated: In my own experience with the usual type of pain (the pain that indicates something is wrong) it hurts more because I'm not expecting it and I'm fearful of the unknown. But if you're pregnant, you know you're going to experience labor pains eventually, so prepare for it! Figure out what soothes and relaxes you. Check out my previous post for ideas.

Intermittent: When I first really understood this, it totally empowered me: You're only in pain HALF the time! People say they had an 18 hour labor, and we tend to think they were in constant pain, but contractions COME AND GO! We know this, but it's still a novel idea. Our doula said she's seen people FALL ASLEEP between contractions! Even if it's just 2 minutes. It gives them the boost they need to cope with the next one. So really, an 18 hour labor may be only 9 hours of actual pain with short periods of rest in between. Eventually of course, labor gets more and more intense, especially during transition, at which point it's really important to let go of the last contraction when it ends, let it go, and allow the next one to come.

Normal: This is what I always tell myself, and if you've watched my vlogs you've heard me say it: women were made to be able to birth a baby. That is such a comforting thought to me, that my body can actually handle this. Of course, not every pregnancy goes completely smoothly with no complications, and thank heavens for the medical technology that saves the lives of moms and babies who unfortunately meet with complications. Pregnancy and birth is a NORMAL, BEAUTIFUL, NECESSARY part of life. What if Eve said after her first baby "screw this I just can't handle it! No more kids for me!" We'd all be in a pickle now wouldn't we? 

Well I don't know how labor really feels, and I'm eager to experience it. I may need medical intervention. I'm open to it, but I'd really like to see what I'm capable of. I've gained such a respect for my body and what it has already done in growing my little girl. I feel like a bystander in awe just watching creation happening to me. I see nature a bit differently now. It's not around me, separate from me, it IS me.